Some People Still Hear What You Said

James describes the tongue as a small part of a massive ship, yet possessing incredible power to direct its course. Such a tiny thing carries the ability to usher in life or unleash destruction.

I love the way James puts it when he says that the tongue has the power to “set on fire the course of one’s life.” How true this is. Every single day, through our words, we are either imparting the fire of resurrection life or the fire of hell into the hearts of people around us. Our tongue is not neutral. What we say deeply matters.

Proverbs tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue. Notice that death is mentioned first. Why? Because fallen humanity naturally drifts toward criticism, accusation, gossip, cynicism, and tearing people down. Life must be intentionally chosen.

Some people still hear the voices that wounded them ten years ago.

A father’s criticism can echo in the heart of a child for decades. A spouse can spend years recovering from words spoken in one angry moment. One sentence can become a prison. One sentence can become a doorway into destiny.

Our words are forming environments around people every single day.

Eventually people begin speaking to themselves with the same voice they consistently hear from us.

Growing up, my dad often spoke to me about the importance of genuine affirmation in the lives of people. As I grew older, I discovered more and more how true his wisdom really was. Yet at the same time, because I am human, I also discovered something else within myself. I am often more prone to see people’s brokenness than their potential. More prone to criticize than encourage. More prone to point the finger than believe in someone’s future. More prone to crack than empower.

If I am honest, I can still remember moments where my words wounded people I deeply loved.

I still remember moments where I saw disappointment wash over someone’s face because of the way I spoke to them. In my frustration, I felt justified. But later, when the emotion settled, I realized my words did not produce life. They produced heaviness.

I was trying to correct behavior while wounding the heart.

Moments where I was “right” in what I said, yet completely wrong in how I said it. Moments where frustration spoke louder than love. Moments where my criticism may have exposed weakness, but did nothing to empower transformation.

The painful truth is this: many times we justify harshness because we believe correction alone changes people. But most people do not grow where they are constantly torn down. They grow where they are genuinely believed in.

My dad called it the “10 to 1 rule.”

He used to say that every person needs ten genuine affirmations for every one gentle correction. Without affirmation, correction is rarely heard. Even worse, instead of healing, it often wounds the relationship itself.

As I have reflected on that over the years, I have realized how far many of us are from this wisdom. Personally, I have often been more prone to give ten harsh criticisms for every one flippant affirmation rather than ten affirmations for every one correction.

And if we are honest, many of us live the same way.

We magnify flaws.
We rehearse frustrations.
We dissect weaknesses.
We casually criticize people made in the image of God.

James speaks directly into this tension in chapter 3 when he writes:

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”

What a piercing picture.

On Sunday we worship God with our mouths, and then on Monday we harshly criticize His creation. It is like telling an artist, “You are the greatest artist in the world,” and then immediately walking through his gallery mocking the artwork he lovingly created.

This should not be.

Criticism often feels justified because we can clearly see what is wrong with people. But many times harsh criticism is not rooted in love at all. It is rooted in impatience, pride, frustration, disappointment, or the secret desire to control people into becoming what we want them to be. Dallas Willard once warned that much of the evil in this world comes through words used to manipulate, condemn, and control. That should sober us. Because if we are honest, many of us have used our tongues more like weapons than instruments of healing. We have tried to force transformation through frustration rather than cultivate it through love.

Satan is called the accuser of the brethren.
The Holy Spirit is called the Comforter.

One exposes people to shame them.
The other reveals truth to restore them.

Yet Jesus never transformed people through humiliation. He transformed people through truth wrapped in love.

The truth is, every human being carries both mixture and glory. Brokenness and beauty. Yet many of us have trained our eyes to primarily see the cracks instead of the gold hidden beneath the surface.

Love mines for gold while criticism fixates on dirt.

Genuine affirmation is not flattery.

Flattery ignores truth to make people feel good. Affirmation sees beyond who someone currently is and speaks to who they are becoming.

Jesus consistently spoke to people according to heaven’s perspective of them, not merely according to their current condition.

He called fearful men rocks.
He called fishermen apostles.
He called the bound free before they ever walked in freedom.

Many people already know what is wrong with them. What they desperately need is someone to remind them what is right with them. They need someone who can see beyond the dysfunction and call forth the destiny hidden underneath the debris.

The Holy Spirit is called the Comforter, not the accuser.

And yet so many of us sound more like accusation than encouragement.

So to those reading this, stop criticizing casually and begin affirming intentionally.

There is gold hidden in the lives of the people around you. Even the people who frustrate you. Even the people who disappoint you. Even the people who create tension in your life are image bearers of God. And because they bear His image, there is glory within them worth calling forth.

Stop speaking only to people’s brokenness and start speaking to their wholeness.

If you continually feed the flesh that frustrates you through harsh criticism, it will only grow stronger. But when genuine affirmation flows from your life, something powerful happens. The Spirit of God begins watering seeds of destiny, identity, and transformation within the hearts of people.

The Psalmist prayed:

“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

What a powerful prayer.

Not simply, “Lord help my actions.”
Not simply, “Lord bless my life.”
But, “Lord guard my mouth.”

Why? Because the tongue carries the power of life and death.

Maybe one of the greatest prayers we could begin praying daily is this:

“Holy Spirit, place a guard over my mouth. Teach me to speak like heaven. Teach me to see people through Your eyes. Let my words become instruments of healing rather than weapons of destruction.”

Who in your life primarily experiences your frustration instead of your encouragement?

Who hears more correction from your mouth than belief?

Your spouse?
Your children?
Your friends?
Your employees?
Your parents?

What if the people closest to you are starving for the very affirmation heaven is wanting to release through your mouth?

What if your words have been watering weeds when God intended them to water gardens?

Today, repent for every careless criticism that has flowed from your tongue.

Then begin partnering with God by speaking life into people intentionally, generously, and genuinely.

Your words carry power.

You can either set someone’s life on fire with hell, or set someone’s life on fire with heaven.

Long after people forget your sermons, opinions, accomplishments, and successes, many will still remember the way your words made them feel.

Some people still hear what you said.

Make sure your voice sounds like heaven.